Overwhelm: too much all at once
Imagine you are sitting at a dinner table with a lovely heaping plate of food in front of you. If you think to yourself, “I should eat this entire plate right now” and then try to jam it into your mouth all at once, you will not be able to do it, you will be very uncomfortable, even in pain, and it will be a mess. It’s overwhelming. But, if you say to yourself, “I’m going to eat one bite at a time” there is no overwhelm, no discomfort and no mess. In fact, you will have enjoyment of the meal. Feelings of overwhelm about life can be a lot like that.
Step 1: From abstract goal to concrete task
Overwhelm depends a lot on how we think. When I contemplate doing my taxes myself, and I hold an abstract idea of “taxes” in my head and pressure myself by saying I “should” or I “have to” do them, I will feel overwhelmed. I am actually mistaking a GOAL for a TASK. I cannot achieve a goal in one step, but I can achieve a task in one step. If I break down that abstract goal into a whole lot of small concrete tasks, it becomes manageable.
So, rather than biting off “taxes” in one gulp, I break it down into manageable chunks. For example, first gathering up my receipts, then organizing them into categories, uploading a tax app, and totalling up the receipts. And finally inputting totals into the app is the last task. Looking at each one separately seems much more achievable than just “doing taxes”. So, realizing that an idea is an abstract whole (like whole plate of food) is the first step to overcoming overwhelm. Then, breaking the abstract down into concrete tasks is the next.
Step 2: Eliminate the “I Should…” mentality
Often times overwhelm goes hand in hand with self-criticism, shame and discouragement. Very often the thinking process starts with “I should”. I always encourage my clients to eliminate “should” from their vocabulary. The term “should” implies an external structure imposing rules, judgments and limits. This is fine for obeying the law, but does it apply to going for a run? Absolutely not. But, “shoulding” ourselves is an easy habit to fall into.
I always encourage folks to replace “should” with “want to”. This way you are locating control and power internally, rather than outside yourself. See what it’s like to change that language. I should go for a run, or I want to go for a run. Which one feels more empowered, more inside you? Oftentimes the answer may come up, “but I don’t want to go for a run!” Okay, that’s good! Now you’re actually listening to yourself, rather than some outside made up rules! So, what do you want? Is it to be healthy? Do you want to be active? To lose weight? Do you want to feel good about yourself? Then you do want to move. Maybe not a run, but movement and exercise, or something else.
Sometimes all we need to say is, “I want to get that goal I have in mind (health), so in a way, I do want to (run).” And if you follow the tasks and get out the door, you’ve just experienced discipline. Discipline is just the ability to ignore momentary discomfort in order to achieve a larger goal. Going for a run in order to be healthy. Or gathering up my receipts in order to do my taxes.
Step 3: Can I…? or break down further
Sometimes, the concrete tasks in step 1 are still too big. A client of mine said she’d like to start exercising, but when she thinks about going out for a run, she gets overwhelmed. In this case, “exercise” and “running” were abstract ideas. She could imagine herself doing it, but couldn’t imagine the steps. So, we broke down the abstract goal into tasks: get running gear organized, put on running gear, go outside for a walk, start running (Step 1).
This seemed promising, but she came back and related overwhelm at the idea of putting on running gear and going outside. She said she felt paralyzed on the couch. So, we broke down into concrete tasks further. Now, the concrete tasks were, stand up from the couch, walk to the front door, put on running shoes, open the door, step outside, close the door, start walking slowly, when ready, run a few steps, start walking again, run a few steps, etc.
If you ask yourself, “can I…” for each task the answer should be yes. If overwhelm creeps in at one of the steps, break it down more. So, can I stand up? Yes. Can I walk to the door? Yes. Can I put on shoes? Yes. Can I open the door? Yes. Can I walk forward? Yes. And by this time, the overwhelm is diminished. When the concrete tasks are small enough they feel manageable.
Step 4: the KEY to motivation
Now, there is an emotional component to all this too. I also strongly encourage you, as you follow each small task toward your goal, to encourage and acknowledge your successful movement through the tasks. This may sound a bit over the top, but there’s a reason for it. If you’re coming from a place of “shoulds” and discouragement, then you will not only need to overcome overwhelm, but you will need to change the emotional pattern that kept you unmotivated and disconnected from your goals in the first place.
Changing the emotional pattern is key. Therefore, each time you do a step (standing up from the couch) acknowledge with positive encouragement: good, I did it. Then, (walking to the door) acknowledge, good for me, I did another one. And give yourself a pat on the back each time you accomplish another step toward your goal. Again, this step is KEY. If you’re crapping on yourself each time you take a step (so what, I stood up, anyone can stand up, I’m such a loser) you will be drained of motivation and will not achieve your goal. Each step needs a small cheer in order to keep up momentum and get through the tasks.
Here are the steps to overcome overwhelm broken down:
- Break down the thinking from large global goals to small concrete tasks.
- Eliminate shoulds. Use wants instead. Ask yourself if you really want to.
- Double check tasks. Are they still overwhelming? Break them down further.
- Start the first task – acknowledge and cheer yourself for your accomplishment.
- Encourage and acknowledge each time you finish a task and move toward your goal.
Example, I’m overwhelmed at everything I have to do.
- What is “everything”? Break it down. Make it concrete. (I have to book an appointment. I have to do my laundry. That assignment has to be handed in. My kid needs picked up).
- Do you have to? What if you say you want to? Do you actually want to?
- I don’t actually want to book the appointment, but I do want new glasses, so I guess I do want to book the appointment. (Find the number. Call it. Look at your calendar. Pick a time to go in. Schedule the time.) I don’t actually want to do my laundry, and I have enough clean clothes that I can wait until the weekend. Don’t do it. Celebrate! The assignment is due but do I have to hand it in? No, I could hand it in late or not at all. It’s my choice. But then I’ll get a penalty or fail. I don’t want a penalty or fail, so I do want to hand it in on time. Tasks: (go to desk, sit down, open up computer, find assignment, reread what I’ve done so far, add something, keep going). Do I actually want to pick up my kid? Not really, but I don’t want to leave my kid waiting – he would feel concerned or even scared. I want my kid to feel secure, so yes, I do want to pick up my kid. (Look at time, decide when you have time to do assignment before or after you pick up your kid. Break down tasks involved in picking up kid).
- Encourage and acknowledge each step you take toward achieving your goals.
For more information, or for support in following the steps to decrease overwhelm, call Stillwater Counselling and Pain Management at 604-734-2779.