Having a true voice, a voice that stands tall and firm and is effective and powerful is a goal that most people strive for. It’s what empowerment is all about and it’s what social movements are based on. A strong voice brings the promise of effective change, a sense of agency and the manifestation of basic human rights. We all say YES to this. Yet, many people hesitate to really stand up for themselves still, even in this age of awareness. They are reluctant, shrink, and fall back into passive or appeasing habits. But it’s a hard thing to admit and talk about – who would admit that standing up can feel kind of overwhelming? That it feels easier to let others get their way? That the effort of having a voice brings with it a host of “what ifs” – What if the person gets angry back? Or their feelings are hurt? What if I go too far – would I be a bad person? Would I damage the relationship? What if it turns into a conflict and I can’t handle it? Or sometimes it just feels so new that it’s uncomfortable, painful, too big, too much.
Assertiveness Requires Resources
The reason for the barriers is that although being assertive is straightforward, it requires some resources that you may not have had the opportunity to connect with yet. If you are swallowing your needs, letting other people have all the space, you may be telling yourself, “it’s ok, they need it more” or “it’s ok, it’s easier for me” or “it’s ok, I don’t want them to feel hurt” or “it’s ok, I’ll just do it one more time”. These excuses are really common rationalizations – a way for your mind to avoid doing something that is too new, too overwhelming, too frightening. And it’s ok. We all feel that way sometimes.
There are a lot of different reasons why someone may be hesitant to let their own voice have the space: fear of conflict, fear of punishment, the habit of being invisible, feeling guilty, not wanting to disappoint or alienate others, not feeling ready to face the responsibility that goes with owning space. All of these reasons come down to one basic obstacle – not knowing what to say or how to say so that it works. Let’s take a look at that.
The Purpose of Boundaries
Boundaries are distinct dividing lines that help us recognize where one person ends and another person begins. It is a way of defining “self”, and boundaries can be different for each person. You can imagine that without that definition, people’s thoughts, feelings and needs overlap. For example, my friend likes sushi, so I have to like it too. Because my boyfriend watches tons of sports, I have to watch and enjoy it too. Mom needs to know everything going on in my life or she gets upset. By big brother minimizes his drinking problem so I guess I should too. The family has always voted conservative so I should too. We call this “enmeshment” because it’s like two people meshing together into one, emotionally or cognitively, and even physically. In this state, there is no clear sense of personhood for each individual. In this state people cannot fully grow, learn, heal, strengthen, find power or purpose because there is no individual space in which to question and decide on those things!
Overcoming Enmeshment
Without a clear sense of self, people can often stay stuck being in other people’s “selves” – taking on their habits, opinions, style, biases, taste, language, prejudices and mannerisms – even taking on their career choices, partner choices and political choices – major life decisions! This means they may never really fully connect and own their own lives, purpose, power. [Now for small children, this is necessary and healthy, as they are not fully formed as selves and must rely on others to keep them safe and healthy. But for adults, being in a state of arrested self-development is cause for pity]. So, the BEST thing you can do for other adults is to define your own space around them. This will give THEM the opportunity to get used to defining their own self too. And then everyone is growing.
The difficulties people can get into when they have been “enmeshed”, even a little bit, is when they wish to redefine their “self-space” (be assertive) it means the other person in the enmeshment is left in their own self-space alone. This is a good and healthy thing, but they usually don’t like that…. They may feel upset, lost, confused, sad, lonely, angry because they have not yet learned how to simply be with themselves that way. This kind of pain can go deep. It may even be a trauma trigger, which can sometimes be the reason they became enmeshed in the first place! Then, because it causes them pain, they lash out, trying to reestablish the enmeshment in order to find relief. The pain they are feeling in facing themselves can often get blamed on the assertive one (“you’re selfish/narcissistic/cold/uncaring/a problem” etc). They might try to guilt you, shame you, punish you or disempower your new found voice – all to get back to the comfort zone. And, if you are used to soft emotional boundaries, you’ll feel it all too. And then of course you have the impulse to back down, smooth things over and go back to unassertive enmeshment in order to avoid your own pain, guilt and discomfort – it’s a normal human response – no one wants to feel pain!
The Foundation of Assertiveness
But assertive voicing is the best option for healthy communication when you know how to do it. If you want to address a need of yours (anything from them leaving their socks on the floor, to showing up at your house drunk, to abuse in a relationship – anything that crosses a boundary) but have never actually addressed effectively it before, it can feel overwhelming. So, here is a foundational idea to explore in order to help you on your way to learning how to stand up and take your own space.
How we Relate to Power goes WAY Back
Start with understanding your relationship to power. Yes, relationship. We all have a relationship to power. Some people feel comfortable, accept and own their own power, some have not had that opportunity. We all know those who take too much power for themselves, and those who give it up easily. For those who have not been reinforced to own their own power, it can feel shameful, selfish, egotistical, frightening, narcissistic or dangerous. Imagine having foundational experiences that tell you, “wow are you powerful – go get ’em tiger – you can do it – I want to hear what you think – thanks for letting me know” etc. Then it would probably feel EASY to stand up and have a voice.
But if you have foundational experiences where power was not given to you, then it’s much harder. Imagine these messages coming at you, “shut up – when I want your opinion I’ll give it to you – look at little miss high horse thinking she’s all that! – you sound like a dictator! – you don’t have the right to tell me how to behave! – how dare you talk back to me! – did you hear what she just said, ha ha, how stupid! (or physical abuse/verbal abuse/ belittling/ shaming etc)”. I’m sure you can see how hard it would be to stand up and have a voice if you’re slapped down each time, or confronted and argued with each time, or just completely ignored. Then you learn not to even try. Then your relationship to power suffers and you end up choosing to get by without it because it’s easier. This is a mechanism that works at an individual, and social level as well.
How to you Relate to Power?
So, start thinking about where power fits in to your own life, and what your beliefs are about it. If you equate power with megalomania, abuse or injustice, then you’re going to be blocked from engaging with it. Healthy power isn’t any of those things. Healthy power is simply the ability to be your full self and relate to another person being their full selves too. Healthy power means you know your abilities, needs, opinions and wants and you feel as though you can meet them all effectively. If you say to yourself right now, “I want to wear my red shirt” and then you go put it on, that’s power. Or “I’d like a snack”. And then you make one and eat it, that’s power. If you say, “I’d like to have my own business” and then you make that happen, that’s power too. Or, even, “I’d like to get out of this abusive relationship”, you can do that too. And everything in between.
[This is why we strive to have basic human rights – so everyone has access to a snack if they need one. We are fortunate to be living here in Canada, where most folks can move through experiences of power in a healthy way relative to other nations. But there are some who don’t have this opportunity, even here. You might use this exercise to contemplate your relationship to their power as well. When we question the structures we engage with in our society in terms of power, it opens up the conversation of whether it’s right, healthy and whether it should be sustained or changed. It empowers us and society to move in a forward direction. Relating to power is the same process individually, and societally. However, society needs many individual voices to band together to enact power.]
Where to Begin to Relate Differently
If you think about it, healthy children with healthy adequate parents are started off small in their relationship to power. Parents might say, “look at you pulling yourself up all by yourself!” or “would you like the yellow one or the blue one?” They celebrate the small approximations their child makes to owning themselves and exercising a sense of agency. And that’s all you need to do too.
Start on the individual level, noticing the ways you decide for yourself, choose from between options, know your taste. You probably know which certain foods you like and which you don’t. How do you know? We all have inside us a place that is ourselves – our “I” inside. It’s there for even the most unassertive, oppressed and neglected human. It’s like a spark that, when fanned, becomes a flame. If you can find your spark of self, you can grow it until you stand tall and express it with your voice. Then, when you feel you can stand tall with your voice about individual concerns, then you can join together with others and start to speak out on a community level. It all grows from here. Individual, social group, community, society, nation, globe. The process of contemplating and finding power must start individually, then expand and grow from there. Here are some questions to ponder to help you get there:
Questions to Ponder:
Think about something you like – a food, a movie, a favorite sweater… What is it inside of you that knows that? Explore there! And then expand from there. What movies do you like, what books? Which people do you admire? Why? What makes you feel hopeful, inspired? What makes you laugh? Feel alive? What feels right to you, and what feels wrong? This is power! That’s why we say, “knowledge is power”! If you identify an obstacle to that growing voice in yourself, perhaps a belief or a negative experience, give yourself compassion. You can heal this. Start to notice how you speak to yourself when you approach power. Are you supportive of your own empowerment? Or are you negative about it? Do you speak in scared terms? Do you shut yourself down? What would it be like to open up the possibility of enacting something powerful, rather than shutting it down? Feel scary? Show yourself some compassion!
Re-write your Power Relationship
With some awareness, you can now re-write your power story. Start small. Do you feel like having a bath or shower? – go do it. What would you like to wear today? – go wear it. How would you like to interact with strangers today – go do that. If you encounter obstacles along the way – disempowering thoughts, depressive feelings, stop and show yourself some compassion. If these questions are starting too big, make them smaller! Do I want to wear the white socks or the black socks. Then encourage yourself and try again. You can change your power relationship! Work your way up to bigger tasks like asking a friend for a favour, rearranging your furniture, changing your hair style. Then go even bigger to choosing what to do on the weekend, choosing a course to take, tackling a difficult challenge. All the way up to managing conflict, public speaking, seeking a raise. Then, even bigger – choosing a political party that feels right for you, advocating for the rights of others, changing your identified pronoun, changing public policy. It’s all the same process, just a difference in scale.